December Birthday Thoughts

I wrote this after turning 25 this past December. It was my first attempt at creative, essay writing since college and what inspired me to make this New Years resolution.

Reflections on a Quarter Century

It’s the day after my 25th birthday, and I’m overwhelmed and almost brought to tears as I reflect and look back on what the last couple years have brought me. It’s been a long and steady build up to the big day; I even had classrooms full of second graders cheering for the month of December in celebratory anticipation of what this month brings: my birthday and Christmas! Now my birthday has come and gone and I think to myself, “Who have I become since arriving to Spain? What is my life, really?”

Three years. Three years in a foreign country which now has seeped into my heart and soul, and somehow merged into and become part of my already complicated identity. Three years that have brought me broken relationships, deepened friendships, and have shaken and challenged every belief that I have ever had. Three years that somehow God, taking my selfish failures and blind sighted heart following, turned into something more beautiful, fulfilling and real than I could have ever imagined for myself. Three years that have challenged my thoughts on life, meaning and purpose, my original reason for even being in Spain having been shattered and remolded into something new. Three years that have turned out completely different than what I thought they would be...

What I have learned, perhaps more than anything in the past year, is to be thankful for what I have right now. One of my go to ways for dealing with life’s stresses and problems has always been to think and plan for the future, playing with ideas of new adventures to live that will finally make life more meaningful and satisfy my heart which never feels fully home or complete in any one place. Perhaps if I spent some years working to set right the world’s worst injustices in a UN refugee camp in Palestine, or if I helped children in an orphanage in Brazil overcome their dire situations, or if I became a revolutionary teacher in a low-income neighborhood in some US city, giving the forgotten life-changing tools for success... then I would feel like my life had true meaning and purpose! And so I planned and dreamed and forgot to live where I was...

While all those possibilities are undoubtedly good, what I have realized is that my heart and soul desire something other than whatever extraordinary circumstances I may live in; I will always want something more. Through the eyes of many, my last three years would have been a realization of unfulfilled dreams and what ifs: the completion of two masters degrees in education; teaching English to children that, while adoring and loving, have been at times emotionally traumatizing; coaching a girls soccer team which I started, causing attitudes towards women and sports to change in the culture of my school; volunteering with Young Life and involving myself in the chaos of adolescent life in Spain with a group of high school girls; befriending and deepening friendships with people from both the culture I live in and others. Who am I to be unsatisfied?

I now know that this lack of satisfaction comes from within my heart, not from the respective environments that I am or could be in, lives that I could or not live. It comes from a need to have purpose in life, to feel love and valued, to feel like I matter. Because of my culture and the way I grew up, I always thought that “purpose” meant a clear career direction in life that, hopefully, comes from God. It’s what you live for, it defines you, and it makes you a complete person. I believe now something quite different.

I believe that true meaning and purpose in life comes from living fully where you are. It might even sound trite, but it’s about not the job you have, it’s about the life you live. While, of course, I believe we all have God-given gifts and talents and we should try to use them, they in and of themselves are not what give us meaning. As a Christian, living where I am means being thankful and valuing the places, people and experiences in my life right now. It means being at peace with my life because I know that God is in control and that, for whatever reason, I am where I am. It means investing in my community, friendships, and the places where I am in contact with others. It means loving the people in my life with all that I have, because ultimately I am able to love as a result of the love that was shown to me in Jesus. Thus, it means that purpose comes from fully living the life that I have because of the sacrifice of Jesus. It is His love that enables me to actually live in every sense of the word wherever I am.

Perhaps all this means that we can’t really be in the wrong place. Living in one country or another, having one job or the other isn’t right or wrong. There is something bigger at work. So-called failure and success, therefore, do not matter; they may not even exist in the way that we think they do. What does exist is Love.
I think that God has given us all the good things that we experience in our lives as a way to point back to Him, so that we can tangibly feel and live glimpses of who He is and how much He cares for us. When I am kissed and hugged unashamedly and without censor by one of my 7 year old second grade students, that is a tiny reminder of the pure, simple love God has for me. When a dear friend reads my expression, asks what is wrong, and empathetically listens to whatever struggles I have, it reminds me of the compassion God showed to me in His sacrifice. When I laugh uncontrollably at a ridiculous YouTube video or an absurd conversation with friends, it’s a version of the true joy I will one day feel. When I receive an intimate embrace, be it as a result of joy, love or pain, those are God’s arms wrapping around me, reminding me that He is there too. There is so much wrong with the world that we live in, but all those good things, those blessings that make us smile... those are God, at work in a very real way in our lives.

These last three years have given me the opportunity to learn these lessons, strengthening my faith in Jesus and giving me a sense of true purpose. Though I don’t know what the next years hold for me, I have peace that God will continue to take care of me as He has in the past and that, if I live life with this perspective, my life will continue to become something better and more satisfying than I would have ever imagined for myself.