February

L-O-V-E

As this February comes to a close, I also consolidate and at last write out my final etchings on the ever cliché theme of this month: love.

Love. A word so commonly used and thrown around that it becomes difficult to even begin. I love chocolate mousse, spinning class, and Parks and Recreation but certainly those are all profane uses of something so pure and elegant. I’ve heard sermons and lectures on how the English language limits our ability to effectively express the fullness of the word, to embody and understand the meaning in its true capacity. After one month of contemplation and mediation, I have begun a very personal journey in what these four, powerful letters mean to me.  
To start, I know that humans were made and are meant to love. Why else would this familiar and yet unknown concept have been grappled with by so many authors, philosophers, poets, artists and more throughout human existence? It must be something essential to living life fully or we would have given up on trying to define it, find it, live and even die for it. Whatever ultimately love is, I am thus convinced that I need it. And that I want to give it. And more than a necessary part of life, I want it to be something that is ceaselessly, endlessly and fully expressed to me. I want to be victim to this l-o-v-e.
I now arrive to the ever persistent problem of trying to contain such an abstract and yet intimate idea to feeble words on paper. What does love mean to me? An idea which was engraved in me from a young age and became my foundational definition was one perhaps too intense: love means you are willing to die for someone. In high school I even lived a phase thinking to myself, “Well, I shouldn’t ever say I love you to someone I wouldn’t die for...” and therefore refrained from using it even with close friends for many years. This extreme definition had its roots in my spiritual upbringing as a child, verses like “Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” being my main point of reference. While I do still believe that is true, it doesn’t yet lead me to a satisfactory definition that quite encompasses all the complexities of this word to me...
It does address one aspect that I think is essential to love’s purest definition. This attitude of sacrifice leads me to a broader conclusion, one that still maintains the seriousness and goes beyond the heart-racing fluff we are brainwashed to believe love is. Those ever unsettling and vivid emotions you have for a person are not to totally be disregarded, but they in and of themselves do not fully embody all this word is; they are not an end. Putting that aside then, I believe that true love must be unconditional. To me, that means that even when those things which initially attracted and drew you to a person fade, when those aforementioned emotions lessen with time, you are still there. You have committed and promised yourself to that person in a way that is powerful and selfless. Saying those words, “I love you,” is therefore a verbal expression to a person that they are worth it. Despite their mistakes, failures, sadness, moodiness, pain, and even annoyance, they are precious to you and nothing could change that commitment you have made to them.
Those are loaded, compelling words. That is quite a promise. It is the most selfless thing you can say to a person, because it’s not about how they make you feel; it’s not about your happiness. It’s much deeper than that. Love is a decision. It is pure, selfless commitment, lived out in action through spoken word. It must not fail. It’s even ironic, perhaps, how my most intimate and inner desire is for someone to feel that way about me; how can I selfishly desire the antithesis of selfishness? And yet I do. More than anything.
A second irony is that if I truly believe my self-imposed definition of love, it makes me also confront my imperfect humanity, face to face. I know I want this love to happen to me, that I need this to live completely, and that I hope to make this commitment to someone some day. And yet, my own standards are setting me up for failure. How could I ever maintain the integrity of such a promise, when my heart always refocuses on myself, creeping thoughts of “me, me, me.. and I, I, I” finding their way into my soul, mind, and consequently my actions? And perhaps worse, how can I ever expect someone else to fulfill such high standards?

This thus leads me to my conclusion. First, humans are capable of striving for such a love but are intrinsically limited in their ability to give and receive it. This does not have to be crippling, however, as recognizing this fact keeps me from putting my future partner on an impossibly and crushingly high proverbial pedestal. Acceptance of this idea allows me to love and be loved more honestly while here on Earth. It also leads to my second conclusion, by ultimately causing my soul to search for this perfect love-fulfillment beyond the imperfect human realm, turning my eyes towards heaven. Second, therefore, is that if I search for love that is perfect in its completeness, its unfailingness, its ability to fill my most intimate soul desire, I cannot look to humans; I must look to a perfect God. I believe this not only to be logical, but it is something I have seen play out in my own life.

Humans let you down. Relationships fail. Hearts break. Tears freely flow. Despair sets in. And the cycle repeats.

Choosing to break free from this requires faith and hope in something I cannot see. But...if I believe the stories about God’s great love for me and about Jesus’ dying so that I may live... if I believe the promises made in the ancient book, that He will never leave me or forsake me... if I believe that a perfect God can give a perfect love, then I have hope. My deepest need can be met; I can have the endless, ceaseless, ever faithful love I have always dreamed of and desired. Jesus will not fail me as I have been failed in the past. My heart will not be crushed by him. I will be left satisfied, not disappointed.  

Finally, I do believe that humans have been gracefully gifted with the ability to express versions of this perfect love on Earth. Despite our imperfections, sometimes that pure, unconditional, beautiful l-o-v-e can be and is shown to us by people and we are even able to express it, however limited and fleeting it may be. I know that I have been loved in ways I don’t deserve in my short life. My parents have shown me constant love and support, in spite of who I am, the troubles I give them, my failures and mistakes; that is love embodied on Earth. I see glimpses of love every day, in the eyes of the children I teach, the heartfelt embraces I receive, the messages and emails of concern and care, and the words of encouragement given to my by friends and soul sisters. Those are love too. They are not complete love, but they are love nevertheless.

What do I do with all these conclusions? I live my life here on earth with passion, appreciate those moments of love-expressed that I can tangibly feel as they come, and attempt to love those in my life without condition, by my own definition, as best as my prone-to-fail heart can. But I also keep my eyes towards heaven and my hope and fulfillment in One who though I cannot see, perfectly loves me in a way that completely satisfies my soul.

December Birthday Thoughts

I wrote this after turning 25 this past December. It was my first attempt at creative, essay writing since college and what inspired me to make this New Years resolution.

Reflections on a Quarter Century

It’s the day after my 25th birthday, and I’m overwhelmed and almost brought to tears as I reflect and look back on what the last couple years have brought me. It’s been a long and steady build up to the big day; I even had classrooms full of second graders cheering for the month of December in celebratory anticipation of what this month brings: my birthday and Christmas! Now my birthday has come and gone and I think to myself, “Who have I become since arriving to Spain? What is my life, really?”

Three years. Three years in a foreign country which now has seeped into my heart and soul, and somehow merged into and become part of my already complicated identity. Three years that have brought me broken relationships, deepened friendships, and have shaken and challenged every belief that I have ever had. Three years that somehow God, taking my selfish failures and blind sighted heart following, turned into something more beautiful, fulfilling and real than I could have ever imagined for myself. Three years that have challenged my thoughts on life, meaning and purpose, my original reason for even being in Spain having been shattered and remolded into something new. Three years that have turned out completely different than what I thought they would be...

What I have learned, perhaps more than anything in the past year, is to be thankful for what I have right now. One of my go to ways for dealing with life’s stresses and problems has always been to think and plan for the future, playing with ideas of new adventures to live that will finally make life more meaningful and satisfy my heart which never feels fully home or complete in any one place. Perhaps if I spent some years working to set right the world’s worst injustices in a UN refugee camp in Palestine, or if I helped children in an orphanage in Brazil overcome their dire situations, or if I became a revolutionary teacher in a low-income neighborhood in some US city, giving the forgotten life-changing tools for success... then I would feel like my life had true meaning and purpose! And so I planned and dreamed and forgot to live where I was...

While all those possibilities are undoubtedly good, what I have realized is that my heart and soul desire something other than whatever extraordinary circumstances I may live in; I will always want something more. Through the eyes of many, my last three years would have been a realization of unfulfilled dreams and what ifs: the completion of two masters degrees in education; teaching English to children that, while adoring and loving, have been at times emotionally traumatizing; coaching a girls soccer team which I started, causing attitudes towards women and sports to change in the culture of my school; volunteering with Young Life and involving myself in the chaos of adolescent life in Spain with a group of high school girls; befriending and deepening friendships with people from both the culture I live in and others. Who am I to be unsatisfied?

I now know that this lack of satisfaction comes from within my heart, not from the respective environments that I am or could be in, lives that I could or not live. It comes from a need to have purpose in life, to feel love and valued, to feel like I matter. Because of my culture and the way I grew up, I always thought that “purpose” meant a clear career direction in life that, hopefully, comes from God. It’s what you live for, it defines you, and it makes you a complete person. I believe now something quite different.

I believe that true meaning and purpose in life comes from living fully where you are. It might even sound trite, but it’s about not the job you have, it’s about the life you live. While, of course, I believe we all have God-given gifts and talents and we should try to use them, they in and of themselves are not what give us meaning. As a Christian, living where I am means being thankful and valuing the places, people and experiences in my life right now. It means being at peace with my life because I know that God is in control and that, for whatever reason, I am where I am. It means investing in my community, friendships, and the places where I am in contact with others. It means loving the people in my life with all that I have, because ultimately I am able to love as a result of the love that was shown to me in Jesus. Thus, it means that purpose comes from fully living the life that I have because of the sacrifice of Jesus. It is His love that enables me to actually live in every sense of the word wherever I am.

Perhaps all this means that we can’t really be in the wrong place. Living in one country or another, having one job or the other isn’t right or wrong. There is something bigger at work. So-called failure and success, therefore, do not matter; they may not even exist in the way that we think they do. What does exist is Love.
I think that God has given us all the good things that we experience in our lives as a way to point back to Him, so that we can tangibly feel and live glimpses of who He is and how much He cares for us. When I am kissed and hugged unashamedly and without censor by one of my 7 year old second grade students, that is a tiny reminder of the pure, simple love God has for me. When a dear friend reads my expression, asks what is wrong, and empathetically listens to whatever struggles I have, it reminds me of the compassion God showed to me in His sacrifice. When I laugh uncontrollably at a ridiculous YouTube video or an absurd conversation with friends, it’s a version of the true joy I will one day feel. When I receive an intimate embrace, be it as a result of joy, love or pain, those are God’s arms wrapping around me, reminding me that He is there too. There is so much wrong with the world that we live in, but all those good things, those blessings that make us smile... those are God, at work in a very real way in our lives.

These last three years have given me the opportunity to learn these lessons, strengthening my faith in Jesus and giving me a sense of true purpose. Though I don’t know what the next years hold for me, I have peace that God will continue to take care of me as He has in the past and that, if I live life with this perspective, my life will continue to become something better and more satisfying than I would have ever imagined for myself.

I resolve: an introduction to my blog.

One of my New Years resolutions this year was to dedicate time to writing for myself. With words and on paper, I can organize and express my thoughts in a way that helps me to make sense of my life. My idea is that every month I focus on a theme, write an essay, and then publish here, as a way to keep me accountable to my resolution. 

My aim is that these are a way to encourage, challenge and reflect both myself and those who read them. 

Comments, critiques and reactions are most welcome!